I had to make a decision yesterday about going back as FML(A) ended yesterday. I would have to return to work today. I had hoped there would some sign to definitely let me know about making the right decision...nothing, I just had to make one.

So I based on my current state right now, could I go back since I have no idea what will happen to Dad and how fast he may deteriorate? I have been so busy with my parent's affairs and my Dad's move to be closer the grandkids that I realized how I have not been taking care of me but everyone else only. This may sound selfish perhaps but I needed to take a few moments to sit and take in my pulse, emotional and physically.

I realized that deep down I am a mess right now, seething with emotions, I am physically drained, running on caffeine and sugar. I have just been distracted by everything else. I haven't had time to process any of this. I am worried what will happen once he is gone, am back to living in this house, for the first time alone since I moved in to take care of them. I need to take some time to heal. I couldn't put one foot in that door of work is what I realized. I also want to be able to be there for him when something happens.

I called work. The decision is made, not returning yet. We'll see what happens from here in the work process. I still feel nervous about this decision logically letting the position go but know this was the right thing to do for my overall well being right now. Now I just have to figure out how to cope when it all comes flooding in.

Thanks for listening and I hope this finds you well.