Oh couch. I need to unburden my heart some.

My heart is breaking anew for my son. We had a long, very emotional talk again last night. Among other things, he told me that he feels like he is nothing but a burden to his Dad. He said "he's my f'ing DAD, why can't he just for once tell me that he's proud of me? All I ever hear from him is how bad my room is, that I need to save money, that I need to have goals. But he never says he is proud of me. Why? Why Mom, why?" And how am I supposed to answer that?!

I wasn't able to not cry this time. I was able to hold back the gut-wrenching sobs that wanted to come out, but I couldn't not be emotional at all. Through my own tears I told him that his Dad IS proud of him, and that I'm so sorry he doesn't show it or say it enough, that I know in his heart he wants the best for his only son he just doesn't always know how to say the right things. I didn't know what else to say, I don't know if it was the right thing to say or even approaching the right thing, but this is so hard, couch.

I told my son last night how proud I am of him, and I do tell him that a lot anyway, because I never heard it growing up. And I told him that being his mother is absolutely the best thing that ever happened to me, he is the most important person in the world to me, that I love him with all my heart. He wouldn't let me hug him until a good hour into the talk, but he did eventually.

I don't know if I am strong enough to handle this, couch. I feel like sitting h down and telling him all of this, and telling him that I can't do this alone, I need him to help me handle this, to let me talk about it, to join me in building our son up and not just reminding him of where he needs to improve. I'm just as guilty sometimes. I ask him if he's keeping up on his schoolwork sometimes before asking him how his day went. He said last night that his Dad never even asks him how his day was. He just starts right in with "Is your room clean?" or whatever. I need to tell all of this to h and tell him also that if he thinks I can end my own therapy right now without him supporting me and our son in this, then he needs therapy more than my son and I combined. I know that's not the right way to approach h. But honestly you guys I just don't know how to handle this. I'm so thankful son is back in therapy. We need to go to family counseling but h refuses to consider even marriage counseling when I have tried to get him to go, I know he would refuse to go to family therapy too. I think I am beginning to see the writing on the wall here couch. I am going to have to give him an ultimatum and be prepared to follow through when he refuses. I don't want to break up my family and end my marriage, but damn it, something's got to give here for me to help my son. I don't know what to do, couch.

I told h this morning a little bit of this. He got very pig-headed and refused to see his part in it at all. AT ALL. Said "B will feel better if he'd just clean his room. It's not my fault he lives in a pigsty." I told him that perhaps if he felt better about himself he WOULD keep his room cleaner and as parents, we need to help build him up and tell him we are proud of him along with the reminders to clean his room. He said something like "he's just going through adolescence late." I said no. Our son has some serious issues and we need to do everything we can to help him now. He said "well he's got a therapist now." yes but we can't just do nothing. He said "I give him tidbits all the time to try to help him." Tidbits - yeah - "Clean your room!" "You have to save money!" "You have to have a plan for your life!" said in an annoyed tone and repeated ad nauseum. These are not "tidbits". These are criticisms.

If my h won't listen, if he won't even think about some type of counseling marriage or family, I am going to have to get really brutally honest with myself and seriously think about ending my marriage. Yes it will hurt. And it will hurt my son too, because he loves his Dad and he knows somewhere inside of himself that his Dad in his own way loves him too, he just doesn't know how to show it I guess, but it hurts him too much to always have it in his face. If we didn't live with h, he wouldn't have to have it in his face every day.

Thanks for letting me unburden myself here. This has been building for a couple days and I just hadn't let it out yet. I'm sorry to bring down the couch. And I thank anyone who actually read all of this. Son and I will get through this, I believe that love is a powerful, healing thing and my love for my son is about as big as love can be, it's just so hard right now.