Art, you and your son don't have to live in a toxic environment. I have felt badly for your son ever since your husband burst his bubble over the band trip a while back--saying he only got invited because X reason which had nothing to do with talent (sorry, can't remember what reason h gave, but it hurt your son).

Also, it may be that your son is ready to move out on his own. It won't solve his dad issues, but at least he can be in a better emotional environment. You can tell him that his dad cares about him all you want, but it's kind of invalidating to your son's feelings if the evidence shows otherwise.

I hope that's not too hard to hear. It would be easier if your h would take part in making changes.