One week sober. Last night I really wanted to drink. Couldn't get in touch with my sponsor. Called someone else in AA. So ashamed that after all these years I still relapse like a beginner all over again. Always a beginner after 15 years of meetings. What is wrong with me, I can quote the Big Book but I can't get more than two years in a row. This past time was 13 months but I was a dry drunk, mean and nasty. I want to love people. Crying. I hate being an alcoholic. Sorry, now I'm in self pity. I hate this disease. I'm hurting all over.