i want to thank the people who did post supportive things in my other thread.. i didn't want that thread to continue. It was heartbreaking.

Sunrise, i will PM you so you do read this, but i'm sorry, i misread you. Since we were both doing the same thing and you thought what you did was cowardly... well, you see what i mean. Thank you for clarifying. i am just really fragile i guess.

this is such a very long weekend. i am still really sick. i have lost 5lbs in 4 days and i am getting dehydrated. i am drinking as much liquid as i can and some powerade to replace electrolytes, but i lose it all almost as fast as i drink it. My body doesn't seem to want anything in it right now. i'm really tired and feeling weak. There's no point in seeing a doc yet... there's some bug going around and they'd just send me home and tell me to wait it out. i have been on this long term antibiotic treatment for something else and i am sure it's not helping. i may skip a day or two of it just to give my poor tummy a chance.

i've been playing leave-a-message with T. He has been trying to help me get through until Monday so we can talk about what i need to do for myself. He left me a voicemail that i can listen to as a sort of tool to give myself a boost. i am conflicted.. he's doing these useful nice things now... but on Thursday he was obviously exasperated with me. He has gotten so close to me, without knowing how close, that he is able to hurt me so bad.

At a time when i am fragile and hurting it's hard to decide whether therapy is helping or hurting. Yeah, i want to find long term solutions to damaging patterns.. but right now even a bad pattern would get me through this painful situation i am in. i think i need to ask T what he thinks... if he can be supportive without us doing any "work." i need someone who can boost my spirits and encourage me.. make me feel not so alone in this world. i don't have a lot of reserve strength.

i dunno... therapy takes more than i have i think.