[QUOTE=damon7890;5485847]Well i'm going to keep this message longer listen carefully,i don't just understand you i feel you,i would have not lost even a minute trying to reply i have no personal gain in this,i just don't want you to get hurt.

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First thank you so much for all the time your taking to reply to me. There's so much powerful eye opening words in what you say. It does hurt, I cried with both message you wrote. But I cry because your spot on, and my heart can't handle the truth.

I've always been close to his family, his mother especially. When this all started we where at her house out of State visiting. She had warn me about his illness long ago and gave me some red flags to be aware of (such as the spiritual talk). He first talked to me all night about spirituality while at his mother, I brought it up to her. Day by day we noticed so many changes of behaviors from him, very agitate, getting into arguments with everyone, talking to himself looking angry, stop eating meat.... Than we came home, it continued to go downhill, and at this point he was "cleaning up" around him to make it safe for him (to stay out of the hospital) Knowing his mom and I where close he started some non sense and created some drama between everyone, she now refuse to talk to me and had suggest to him to leave me. He did the same with his aunt, but we are still talking. I notice she only reaches out to me when she needs something from me.

My point is when you wrote your personal story about the accident and how you been there for your cousins and how they did nothing to help you. Well that's exactly where I stand with his family since this all started. If is was not for me non of them would even be aware of his relapse because his carefully hiding it really well from everyone that would send him to the hospital! Even when the hospital came last week, he was playing the game so well they left !!!!

I did watch and listen to AXL like you suggest, that song is really intense, I'm tempt to share it with him. And thank you for the "Empathy" lyrics, that very spot on ... and I also feel like he should see that.

I know you said to go NC on him but this part of me just want to lay down to him how his been making me feel, and how I never deserved this. But honestly.... he don't care, well right now, like this he really wont care and it would probably just set him off to more hurtful behavior.

It's hard to pull the trigger, writing this I feel a knot in my throat and my eyes are filled with tears. This part of me just feel that if I'm the only one standing by him until his better he will see and realize who I really am. This weird hope that he would open his eyes that yes he needs treatment in order to keep his life in check. I feel like everyone will always run away from him, well he pushes people away.... but I just have this weird feeling to be the strong one here. But part of me SCREAMING that I'm in total delusion and that I need to run for ME and for my child.

Again thank you for the great messages I will read them over and over. I think I may start putting something in writing for him, not to give him but to help me relieve some pain. Who knows maybe some day I would give it to him.