This has been on my mind...a lot. In October I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl. Now, I dream every day about having another baby. But I can't even enjoy those dreams because I'm afraid that, if I got over my first nightmare and my child was born healthy, CPS might take him or her away from me.

The reason? Back when I was pregnant with Angel I read a manual for CPS in my state (TN) to try and alleviate my fears. It did the opposite, because there was a list for reasons for termination of parental rights. And mental illness was listed. Somehow, I don't know how, this isn't a violation of the ADA and it's okay to discriminate against parents with mental illness, because some people who abused/neglected their children happened to have a mental illness. In my eyes, it's equally as bigoted and wrong as listing a race or religion as grounds for termination.

I won't lie, my mental health history isn't pretty. I've been hospitalized 26 times since I was 16. I've never had any legal or drug issues. Before I attempted to have another baby, I would make sure I had a stable place for us to live. I would make sure I had everything the baby needed (I actually saved the things I had for my daughter). I would make sure i had a plan in place to stay out of the hospital. I would continue to take my medication and attend appointments. I would have done anything for my daughter and that applies to any future children I have as well.

But it would only take for me to make someone mad, or for someone to be irrationally concerned (I read on a message board CPS was called on a mother when all she did was bundle her baby up and take him for a walk in the cold) and Cps to get their hands on my mental health records. Then everything that matters to me could be stolen.

What I also don't understand is that if I was to say I wanted to be an astronaut and fly to the moon, I would have support. People would help me with the steps needed to reach my goal. But when I talk about wanting to be a mother, no one wants to hear it. Even if I say the progress I'm making in my life is so I can be a good parent someday, that's not okay either. Which doesn't make any sense because way more people have successfully raised children (even with MI) than they have flown to the moon. And nothing anyone says makes me want a child any less.

I wish there was some way to reassure myself that so long as I'm able to properly care and protect my future children there is no danger of them being kidnapped by CPS.