hello! haven't been on PC for a long time, but i guess i needed to find someone who might have gone through a similar situation. have been miserable for the past week...

i have trust issues with people, due to trauma with bad mental health professionals who were abusive. so hence i am very wary, and trust takes a very long time to build. transference is an issue for me, and even though im not diagnosed with PTSD, if something seems wrong, it sends me in a spiral of anxiety and fear and it would take a VERY long time to recover from it. it wasn't easy for me to seek help, and thus i spent a long time trying to build rapport/therapeutic alliance with T. T is very gentle, very cautious of that, and i really liked T. we were a good match, and i really got comfortable and was very open with T. i even looked forward to T sometimes because i needed something off my chest.

T works for the hospital, and i see the docs from the same hospital too. they work together. anyway, end last year, i was really really down, and spent a long time in the psych ward, and eventually diagnosed with treatment resistant depression. i was recommended ECT, which i wasn't fully agreeable to, but due to certain issues (i.e. threats from the doctors, where they will do something even more undesirable), i consented and went through 7 rounds of bilateral ECT. i still have memory issues now (esp short term memory retainment, in a sense where if you talk to me about something, 3 days later i will not remember it) which i hate, but i am putting up with.

because i was in the hospital for so long, when i went out it was a total shock to my system. i was disoriented, didn't know how to cope, and thus started being down again. i was thinking of suicide again, and thus thinking about how brief the effect was, i spiralled down somemore. the week after i met pdoc, and even though i didn't want to, i told her of what i was feeling. that sparked a whole series of incidents which i wish to not disclose, but basically the hospital kinda abandoned me, and did a forced termination with T.

i was very devastated because i didn't know about it. i was told i had a choice, and i could continue with T. and i could tell T was lost too, because T asked the pdoc that made the decision "where do i go from here?" and the question wasn't really answered. T was also only told about it very haphazardly. we were working out so many things in therapy, and the sudden termination was a shock for us, but more for me. we were only able to have the SINGLE termination session because of certain things i did; if not, that opportunity would not arise. i was crying so bad, because i did not want this, and i did not want to start all over with someone new, especially with my issues. i don't know whether i'm correct, but i think T also did not want this... but T felt helpless.

because of what they did, transference came back, and i am currently reliving through all that trauma i had. self-loathe has been at its peak because i am unconsciously linking things to the trauma i faced in the past, and i am just so angry, sad and traumatised right now. and it has been a miserable one week. i have been crying almost everyday, and i can't seem to move on, and i've been trying to fight to get T back. i don't know whether i am doing the right thing, but that's just all i want... to be able to continue my treatment with T. i don't know whether i will get T back, and i don't know whether if i am able to, whether the sessions will be very awkward for the both of us.

i am still crying today, the waterworks have not stopped, and it's been very painful. wondering whether anyone else have been through this kind of forced termination (where it is not with a masters student, but with a fully qualified T) and you didn't anticipate this at all, and both of you weren't allowed to have a chance to resolve all your feelings? i feel so alone, and i want to talk it out to someone professional, but the only person i could is taken away from me, and i need to move on possibly...

i am not suicidal at the moment, but with all this pain, i wish i could die...

on another note, since i am curious, those who have gone through termination, was termination one session or was it a series of sessions that preps you towards the end?

thanks for reading this far, and pardon me for a very long post...