For months last year I was mostly just in this empty-feeling, dragging state where I was moderately depressed and probably in denial about how badly, but was technically "better" than I am now since I was at least partly functioning. Then ever since around November, with winter worsening things and then starting a new med that made me worse and more emotional, I've progressively tumbled downward into what's definitely become a severe major depression.

It's like feeling some of the sadness and anxiety and emotion I've felt has made me realize the contrast and see just how numb I was before. So while by any normal standards this depression is painful and horrible, of course, it's still almost seeming better than the way I felt before and the idea of going back to that numbness is unbearable. I'm pretty sure that at times when I start feeling a bit too numb for a moment, I almost subconsciously try to encourage the sadness or emotional overwhelm to come back. I know I can't just sit here and jump from where I am now right to this picture in my head of where I'd really wanna be, but if getting "better" really means going back to that bland numbness now, then at the moment I feel like I legitimately wouldn't want to get "better."