Hi everyone, sorry I haven't been around the last few days. Things in my life have taken a turn for the better. In fact there is absolutely nothing that I can complain about other then my son's lack of desire to do homework and my kitty's urinary problems. But nothing that would upset any one in a deep down emotional way. I stood up to my mother and she responded with love and support, just like I have always wanted her too. I stood up to my boss and said what I needed to for my own wellfare and she responded in the best way imaginable, just like I hoped she would. My husband and I just signed the papers for a new consolidation loan that will cut our interest rates by about 2/3rds and my husband is totally on board about getting our finances in order, just like I have ALWAYS wanted him to be. He is being loving and understanding and wonderful. Therapy is going great, I am making great strides in my recovery, my therapist is awesome and I have no complaints. EVERYTHING IS GREAT!

So why do I feel so uncomfortable. I have gotten everything I have wished for. I am not alone. I have friends, that empy hole inside is gone. By all accounts I should be doing a happy dance. But instead...

Last week I started becoming scared. If I get out of my car at home and there is someone else on the street I worry that I am going to get shot on the way up to the porch. If I am driving through an intersection I clench up waiting for another car to run the red and t-bone me. I am afraid I am going to get food poisoning and die. Why? Because it would only figure that when things finally got to be the way I always wanted them to be I would get killed.

Monday we signed the papers for the loan. Monday night I cut myself twice with a butcher knife. Yesterday I cut myself 5 more times with a pocket knife. I have been isolating myself from the people (that would be you people ) who would make me feel better and help me keep from hurting myself and actually cope with what is going on. I want to cut now. I stroke the lines on my arm and feel comforted.

I called my T. She confirmed that it is just me trying to get back to a place of comfort because happy isn't yet comfortable for me. Does that suck or what? I want to be happy, I want things to go well. But when they do I am so uncomfortable that I am driven to create unhappiness so I can be comfortable again. ARRGH! I have a whole bunch of swear words I want to type out right here. It is so frustrating.
Carrie