Carrie,

I can understand how you would react this way to things going good. Like your T said, that's not comfortable for you. I think I would add to that, though...

Beyond just not feeling comfortable with things being ok, I think that for those of us who are used to things NEVER being ok, it's hard to let the defenses down and just relax. I know in my life, something has always been just around the corner. Particularly the last few months, when I start feeling stable it seems like something always happens to destabilize me.

I don't know the particulars of your life history, but I know you're a self-injurer and that's enough information for me, I think, to assume that things have not been hunky-dory for you, shall we say? Perhaps you are not used to safety and stability and are therefore not comfortable with it, but ALSO perhaps you find it hard to believe that life can ever be going good. You're waiting for the next thing around the corner because there has always been something there.

A conversation my T and I recently had over email was very interesting. I talked to her about how I feel like I'm always throwing myself up against other people's walls- in other words, I try so hard to have a loving, open, accepting relationship with people who are not available emotionally. So, in talking about my therapeutic relationship with her, she asked me, what if I try hurling myself at her walls and come up against empty space? (Because there are no walls). I was INTENSELY uncomfortable with that thought. "Like, you mean, you'll accept me and be loving without hurting me, too? Sounds pretty suspicious..." lol! I responded with something like "Then I guess I'll crash into you and probably bowl you over!" (Had to make it funny. Feeling emotionally close is a bit TERRIFYING for me). She said, basically "Now THAT could be fun! Let's give it a try, shall we?" LOL!

Why did I just ramble on about it? Well, imagine, if you can, me running head first into wall after wall. Imagine that I've done it millions of times over and over again. Everytime I try to go somewhere I keep ramming into a wall. Now, imagine me running (fully expecting because of past experience that I will hit a wall), and hitting...nothing. My muscles are flexed- prepared to smack that wall and fall down again. But when I get where the wall should be, it isn't there. It's kinda the same feeling as when you think you've reach the last stair and you go to step on level ground, but you lose your balance because there is really another stair there, so there isn't any ground where you think it will be. Kinda a scary, panicky, UNCOMFORTABLE feeling, wouldn't you say?

That, I think, is part of what it feels like when you expect something bad to happen, because of your past experience, and it hasn't. So it goes beyond just discomfort with the good things- it's discomfort because you don't know what to expect. It's scary. It's new territory. You don't trust it yet because it takes getting used to.

Am I making any sense, or just rambling?

Angela