Assuming all my problems boil down to my immaturity which seems to be the general consensus. When does it end.
I have on my computer (a different one) a long peice about growing up, describing to myself what it means to grow up.
Growing up is accepting that humanity is doomed, and doing whats right anyway. Its accepting that good will fail in the end and doing good anyway. Its not caring about the big picture but only about the tiny amounts of improvement that tiny actions can make in peoples lives. Its sacrificing the self for the community, letting ones dreams die for the sake of the whole.Its refusing to be angry and resentful that nothing in this world is for us, and being at peace with nothingness. Its dying whilst being alive for others. Being a light in the darkness.

And ...I really don't want to grow up. I don't want to fight when I know inevitably I must lose. I just want to curl up in a little ball and ignore everything forever.
And I can't. I have to look, I have to be a part of it. And what can I do then? I have to love it.
I can't help but hate everyone.
I want to make everything wash away, I want to extinguish it all for trying to make me responsible for being.
And I can't this stinging sensation it causes on my skin.
It is something I seek even though I hate it.

I want run away and escape, but there's nowhere I can go. I think I could travel far away, but its the same there, I think I could take drugs, but its the same with or without, I think I could stab myself, but then it would fade and it would be the same. Nothing I try will change anything - escape is impossible.
So I have to love it.
It feels like ghosts passing through me. It begs for disintegration. I have to love it.
Because there is nothing else I can do.

It was easier before. It will be easier again. Stupid cycles.