After my last session I was feeling kind of down. T suggested skipping a session here and there but I don't want to. I told her it was a lot of money I'm paying her now and that was her response.

I wrote her an email about love. I said I wanted to love her forever and if I thought she would love me forever I could possibly quit therapy. I wrote " If I quit you will have other clients to love, not me because I'm your job." I got carried away because I didn't feel well. I had a car accident, among other problems.

T wrote such a beautiful email back. She said there was a lot in my email and we would talk about it in my session. But she went on to say that she has a special place in her heart for me and that it will never go away, even if I don't see her for weeks. She hopes that I will feel that connection too. She signed it " with much love, T".

I emailed back that it's hard to accept her love because I'm her job.

I want to believe my T because she's compassionate and caring. I know she cares a lot, but she doesn't love me like my mother did. That would be impossible. My mom and I didn't have interactions like this when she was sick and dying. Love wasn't discussed at all. I just tuned out and pretended nothing was happening. So that could be why it's so important to have the love from T.

If I could put aside the reality of the therapeutic relationship, I could believe T. I mean, she's not a fake. She didn't have to write " with much love". She never wrote that before! I don't know how to react to her expressions of love and caring.