Hello... I came across this forum and hope to meet some people that have my issues and hopefully I will be able to get out of this terrible place.

I am 38 years old and I feel as if I have a serious issue with commitment. BUT WHY? I have had relationships before in my early 20s and never had this issue. Once I hit about 25 I decided to be single... And enjoy life. Which I really did. At the age of 28 something tragic happened and my father passed away. I found him in my back yard... He had a heart attack. I am only saying this because it is a good time frame of where things fall into place.

Since my father passed away I can't seem to get close to someone... I don't know if it has to do with his death or something else. My therapist doesn't want me to focus so much on that. The first girl after my father passed I proposed to pretty much just because I felt like it was the right thing to do. The day after I proposed I felt an amazing amount of anxiety and I decided to call the wedding off a few months later. I even felt this anxiety before, but pulled out and wound up going back to her. This happened a few times.

The following girl was more of a physical relationship. We saw each other about once a week and the Sex was great, but that was it.

My recent relationship was with a girl I went to HS with. I was very much hung up on the fact that I was dating one of the popular girls in High School. She had a daughter which I got along with very well, but our relationship didn't work out because of my anxiety.

My issues is that this is something I want so bad. (a meaningful relationship and hopefully lead into marriage and a family)... It hurst me so much that I can not figure this out. This has been going on for the last 10 years or so. It is so frustrating... I have my life together very well. I have a great job, a beautiful home and a business on the side... I even have a boat I bought last year... I don't think that matters, but on paper I have it all. But my anxiety gets in the way. I love the excitement of meeting someone with potential. I am on the dating sites to only be disappointed... But sometimes I do meet a great person and I still back out.

Try this on for size and hopefully some of you out there can help me... Once I spend a long period of time with someone the anxiety sets in. Since my father passed away (now I only use this as a time frame) I have not been able to enjoy one vacation away. NOT ONE...(prior to my fathers death I was away on a vacation with someone and these feelings were not there... I was about 23 at that time) You should enjoy this time with the person you are with and I don't. All I do is withdraw and its the worst feeling ever when its something I want so bad. I love women and I do enjoy being sexually active with them, but when things get serious as far as being together for maybe just a period of more than 24 hours I get all messed up and fall into a depression. A deep depression.

I never thought I would write in one of these, but I would like to know if anyone has experienced this and maybe can help me through this terrible journey I have been on. I want to be able to feel free and not worry anymore. I am in therapy and it is helping...

Or maybe I just didn't meet the right person for me... I don't know. But I want HAPPINESS and I just haven't had much in a long time. Im sad and don't want to be alone forever.

Please help