I've been taking hormones, I'm ftm, for the past few months. I've started to doubt what I'm becoming. I don't like being a man, I like looking more masculine though. I hated my chubby cheeks, my feminine features on my face. All the changes have been good kind of. I'm so upset. I don't know what I'm becoming or why. I don't identify with women any more then I identify with men. It's this weird in between place. However, my body dysphoria still exists either way. I think I'm so ugly, I thought if I looked like a man this would go away. It's gone away slightly, but I dont want to keep physically transitioning. It's scary, I dont like being seens as a man, but conversely I do like looking more like one, more masculine. After taking hormones, I got less depressed, but Idk. I just feel so lost and horrible, I can't stop thinking about dying. I'd never do it because of my family but it feels horrible. I've always had doubts about whether this transgender thing was to cover for something more deep or hidden. i just want to find who I am. It's hard, because sometimes I believe I could of been just a lesbian if I tried harder. I sometimes associate myself with gay men to cope with stuff. Also being non-binary just seems like a life of misery. Like i always will have to cope with not being able to be visible in society, and never looking attractive. I hate the idea of being ugly. Maybe I am non-binary. Idk but I wish my life could be less miserable. I had huge thighs, so once I go off T I'll have them again. Those were the worse part of my dysphoria. Should I take a break, try being non-binary. Sometimes I think I just have a mental disorder. Please help.