Hello xavier.s: I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament. Gender identity dysphoria can be so confusing. I don't know if you're seeing a therapist... one who has experience working with people who have gender identity issues. I would think that would be very important. Also, are you familiar with the website: bigender,net? I'm not a member anymore. I was at one time. You might find some additional support & insight there:

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