Thank you. I feel better today

Although I write "venting", I appreciate any response like yours that is not judgmental and written carefully. However, if I don't take any suggestion, it must not be taken personally. I don't feel like doing anything these days to be honest. I tried in the past, but now I just cannot. I feel pain and bad sensation in my stomach and in my knees whenever I think of doing something. I think it's primarily because of fear of failing (again). Anxiety makes me think the worst. Which is silly to an outsider, because being isolated is not a success. That's why I feel stuck. I think in my case, accidental change might be the answer if that makes any sense.

For the dissociation, I experience it for a brief time (for seconds). I bought some beers yesterday to make me relax (I didn't drink for almost 18 months before that). I was very intense the whole day and I had to find something to ease my feelings. In the summer I would usually take the bike and go out and bike vigorously and sometimes in a risky manner like speeding on a steep downhill to let this negative energy out. But in the winter I don't go out often, especially now it's snowing and freezing all over again after I thought it's almost over

For volunteering, I guess you are right. If I stayed where I am until the summer, I might try again to reach out, and try things differently.