Pain from the past,being verbally attacked and bullied,by smug,vicious,nasty posers,I feel angry still,the memories of my victimisation makes me want to find my bullies and spit in their faces get some kind of revenge,nasty,cruel, evil crappy people.Back in the 80's it was class war in this country,rich had plenty,poor had nothing but rich pretended they were poor and blamed the poor for their own poverty,so they did not get targeted they pretended they were the ones without,and jealous of anyone with any real substance and meaning without the need for money they competed and lied their way into and out of opportunities.These were the posers,pretenders,bullies,cheaters,buying and selling essays they cheated their way through university and shat on anyone they perceived as weak.Horrible times.I had my first psychoses back then and for me it felt like the world had ended for me.The emotional pain I was in was unbearable.I was drugged up on anti psychotics which worsened my condition and made me sleep 14 hours a day for seven years.I had crashed and burned,bullied and isolated,I lost all my self respect and was deep in humiliation and self hatred.

Tonight I am finding myself with memories of back then it is due to the prospect of joining groups again around political issues,a source of humiliation and embarrassment for me back then.I keep expecting the same results now.But that was thirty years ago i am much stronger,more mature, much better defended now in myself,but the past seems so real,more real than the present,and the burning humiliation is on my face again and I feel like a nobody a piece of ****.I feel like a loser,a nobody all over again,like I am stupid and will be found intellectually lacking and fall short,that someone will try and embarrass me and I won't be able to show my face again,just like thirty years ago.

How do I overcome this fear of embarrassment,I can't tell a counsellor for fear of their reaction.I don't want to be judged.