I'd like to clarify that I'm not worried about this or whatever, I'm just curious about it.
Here's what I noticed.
Basically, I started researching it and took a Psychopathy screening test on here, and then researched some of what I noticed and figured it was closer to a sociopath, the results I got. While I don't really care, and I believe there is nothing wrong with me, I find it interesting to study myself and think about it. Essentially, I just want someone with knowledge to point out what they examined and see what they can glean from it, I'm not looking for a diagnosis, I know this is not this place.
I'm apathetic about things you shouldn't be apathetic about, I do know I should care more. I know it's not okay to be so careless about other people, but at the same time I don't really care.
I noticed this because I have suffered from anxiety disorders which shouldn't be an easy thing to overcome, but in the past 3 months something has clicked to almost entirely clear away that anxiety and worry, or just brush it off. I thought I'd point it out because of the fact it is a big change in my personality. On the subject of personality, I'd like to point out that ever since it 'clicked', whatever 'it' is, I have noticed and great change in my personality. I find myself just naturally putting on a false face in front of people, and not being able to quite empathize with them. The difference is with animals, cats specifically. I do harbor great care for my cats. It's like an obsession with my cats, specifically.
I wouldn't say I'd be sad if something were to happen to my human friend, but I would at least care somewhat, but not for most reasons you'd think of with a friend. They listen to what I say and I enjoy having the audience. When I can't talk to them, I get irritable because I have no one else to speak to. I don't want more friends either, they're just a hassle. I always have to talk to them and keep in contact or they go away. Cats are different. They can't go way, and they wouldn't want to. They don't interrupt or try and make you feel bad for what you say, think, believe, or are. They're quiet too, so you can say whatever you want for as long as you want and they'll listen.
Its not that I 'hate people'. I find humans an interesting race, including myself. We each have lives, small and seemingly unimportant, but completely unique and you will never know it perfectly unless you are them, and even they don't understand to the full extent their own life, how long or short it is, or what's the reason for most of the things that happen to them. I don't hate people and prefer cats, I just find cats to be a better audience as they are attentive and appreciative, and when people aren't my friends, I 'like'(?) them better. I say 'like' because I'm not sure if that's the right word.
I think this goes along with the apathy, but I'm not sure, but I will do things whether or not it's good or bad, which is something that was on the psychopathy screening test. It's something I have been aware of and have had pointed out to me for a while now. I say things regardless of the consequences. I disregard others feelings, but in my defense if I were to take them into account it would limit the truth I tell to them, in regards to people feelings, I believe there is 'too careful' and the threshold in not high. I do things regardless of the consequences as well. From things like wearing nothing but underwear in front of guests, taking a shower for 2 hours despite the fact I just wasted 50 gallons of water and have to pay for it, to things like using drugs, taking risks, messing with people, and if I left the house, probably more things. I do have a lick of sense though, I'm not going to do something so dumb as to endanger my life and safety.
In the past I've heard of 'psychopaths commonly being pathological/compulsive liars' (i put that in quotes because i a. don't know how true it is and b. don't really understand what being a pathological liar means.) From my below basic understanding, it's a lot of lying about everything. If I were to look back on my past, I admit that some of it has been built on lies. I doubt I have a problem, though. So I wouldn't think much about it.
I blame others a lot. I will admit that sometimes I may be in the wrong, but I am often not, or it's necessary to keep myself out of trouble, which is understandable as that should be everyone's top priority. It's not problem, as I tend to blame God a lot. (I'm not religious, but I do believe in a God, though he's usually working against me.)
Note: I was proof reading and remembered something to add so: I'm bringing this up because it occurred to me that I tend to butt heads a lot. For the most part, it's because I'm right but someone disagrees. Probably something that has to do with the fact that I don't get along well with people because I find a lot of them aren't open minded enough, and I feel like that might have something to do with all this. I don't know though. I've been writing this for two hours.
I have noticed that emotions and feeling them is a big part, and like I mentioned, I don't feel many emotions besides interest/fascination with people, which results in me being unable to comfort, connect, or empathize with others. But I also feel strong affection towards my cats specifically. I think all cats are cute but if they aren't my cats I have less affection towards them, but that's normal. I feel happy when things go well, or angry when things don't. I suffer/ed from depression, but it doesn't make me sad or suicidal, just unmotivated sometimes. That's the extent of it. But I get ""sad"", AKA numb. Not the 'I wish I could feel but everything is empty' numb, more like, I will cry and get perturbed at best, but I usually force myself to cry, and its usually guilt that makes me want to do it. I force myself to cry, I've noticed. If I want to cry because I feel I should, (I'm not sure if that's accurate but it's my best way of saying it), I have to yawn a lot or force tears to come out. I don't loud cry a lot, but when I do it feels wrong because I feel like I'm forcing the 'sobs' out. It's also really easy for me to calm down, kind of. If I have tears pouring out of my eyes and snot dribbling down my face, I'll end up hyperventilating (but not panicking, though people around me take the hyperventilating as panic, it's just cause I have poor lungs and the sobbing/snot makes it hard to breathe) and it will be hard to stop, but if I wipe just my eyes it's easy to stop and the only thing I feel is dizzy/tired, but when I do that, it never quite feels like I was just crying. Every time I remember crying, I remember it as just an 'empty gesture' if that makes sense. It's probably normal though, yeah? Just thought I'd mention it. Note: I get relly aggressive towards people who are around me when I cry. It's likely just a defense mechanism (I suffered bullying) but it no longer feels justified, just like a habit. Crying is one, too. Gotta be upset? Cry. Cry? Be defensive.
But I do get envious a lot, which usually results in anger. My anger can be very cold or very tearful, and there's not reasoning behind that. That however is likely that I have Bipolar Disorder, which I believe(?) can answer for a lot of these issues. However, whether or not I get teary eyed or cold, I am very aggressive, even violent in the past. I used to get in a lot of trouble for that, so I practice self control to avoid those 'issues', especially when my time is spent in one house with other people I have to live with. That means I can become extremely passive aggressive (more aggressive than passive, but not violent), and I have even plotted dangerous things for people (never acted upon it ever, don't plan to. ever)
I want to repeat that I'm not panicking over this or being worried over whether or not I have some kind of psychotic disorder, I just had the urge to try some mental health quizzes because I noticed the way my anxiety just poofed and I took the psychopathy test and my interest was peaked so I did a little bit of research this morning. It doesn't really concern me either way, so don't go all 'calm down' on me, I've seen people in other forums on different sites do that.
I feel I should also put a disclaimer, knowing myself, so: Don't take any of this too seriously, who knows what's real and what I've accidentally convinced myself is real. I'd also never take severe physical action against anyone, I never have and never plan to as I said, I'd like to point that out in case you misunderstand anything I have said. and broken a few objects, but as I said before, I'm practicing self control.
Thanks.