This is the very first time I've spoken about this to anyone one other than my current therapist.

I was in therapy for five years. When I first went, I thought it was a good fit. He seemed to genuinely care. But then things got weird. He said I needed to relax, and since I didn't know how, herd teach me. At first while I was sitting up. I was svcarefd to death because I was abused by a doctor when I was little. Then he said I needed to learn to relax deeper. So he made me lay on the floor. Once did, he'd go through each body part, telling me to relax, which is what my abuser did. He said it was to foster trust between it. My alarm bells were going off, and I felt so dirty, humiliated and ashamed. He said that was because of my past. Then he'd have me draw my liners up, and spread my legs open to him. I was crying the whole time. If I asked to get ogff the floor, he would say no. He said I didn't have to cry and shake. He'd have me lay in different positions, all very open. He'd say not to fight him. This was NOT sex therapy! At least that's what he dsaid. He said I shouldn't feel dirty.

He used to make fun of my clothes, and said I needed to be more "girly". He even wanted to take me for a manicure and pedicure so I could be more feminine. He called me manipulative, and if I pushed back or said no, he wouldn't take that an as an answers. I have short\long term memory loss, so if I said I don't know or I forget he'd get perturbed. He yelled at me sometimes, and made me cry. Then said tears wouldn't help.

Once he was reading from a book about abuse, and I begged and pleaded for him to stop. He just yelled at me and kept right going.

I thought this was how therapy was supposed to be. I didn't realise what was going on. I thought he had my best interests at heart, but the only one he was looking out for was himself. He did much more that was wrong, but for now this is all I can get out. I've never told anyone this except my therapist now, who thinks he was abusive. My therapist said he was very very destructive. How can someone hurt someone who comes to them for help?

People say I should report him, but that makes me feel so much worse. Because of my disabilities, no one would would believe me. My therapist now said hell just turn it around on me and say it was all my fault.

I can't forgive myself for staying 5 years. That whole time, every time before I draw him I thought I was going to throw up.

He made me promise not to keep secreyts from him. The things I told that man! I could just die of shame. Since its been a year, and I'm safe now, all these flashbacks are happening, and I'm remembering things I forgot.

How could I have let this happen to myself? Why didn't I leave sooner? When I left he was on my case for something, and he wouldn't stop. So finally I looked at him and said " I don't have to do this anymore!" I got up, slamed the door, and never returned.

I didn't realise how bad all this was, until my new therapist. He's helping me very slowly untangle all this mess. I guess I just needed a safe place to say what happened to me. Please please don't judge me. Thank you for listening, BlueAngel