I put my 2nd cat in 9 weeks to sleep on Friday. Since then I've been staying at my mom's. She lives next door so it's not like I'm far from home. She helped me really thoroughly clean and put cat stuff away until I am ready to adopt kittens so it is a little less of a minefield. But I can't stand it over there. It is too quiet and I think I hear the cats but of course it's not them. Yesterday I was there long enough to put a load of clothes in the washer and I had a panic attack and had to take my first PRN klonopin in many months. Today I was over there by myself for 5 minutes and did better. But I'm not ready to try to sleep alone there or anything.

I'm not actually handling this so well. I cried a lot Friday at the vet's office but since I left the vet's I have only cried for a few minutes with the panic attack yesterday. I teared up in therapy and then made a joke and changed the subject. I need my therapist to make me stay on topic so next week we'll talk abou that. I think he thought if I didn't want to talk about it that was ok and he just was making things safe but I really just tried to avoid it because it hurts. I wasn't doing well when Anna had died and Noah seemed ok, much less now.

If I go home I might but I'm scared I'll also not fight the suicidal thoughts well. They are passive now but I'm staying in a safe place with someone I can wake up if I get into a dangerous spot, while I know I wouldn't call her from my house.It's complicated.

I just don't know how to handle this much loss, especially so close. And I only had 4 days from learning Noah might have cancer to "Noah is very ill and this isn't likely to be treatable and testing is just going to make him suffer more".

I don't know what to do. My meds aren't helping me. After Anna died we maxed out my AD, planning to go down this month. When I kept having trouble sleeping I got my gabapentin increased but it isn't consistent and some nights just makes me drunk which I hate. So I've not been taking the extra. I'm having a hard time connecting with my pdoc.

I am so overwhelmed.