Hi Kaylord and I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. The death of a parent is an extremely difficult thing to deal with, and I think you're still very much in the grieving process. It does leave a huge void in your life and sadly, there is no way to "fix" this excepts to live through it. When I lost my brother and father I went through a time of deep depression and buried rage that burst out on my husband at times. I turned my back on my childhood faith, hated god (and then got high anxiety about that because I was convinced he would send additional calamities into my life to punish me for hating him. Not a good place to be). Grief counseling and a grief support group helped some but the truth is it just took time for the pain to lessen and it never completely goes away because we love the people we lost.
I hope you find some path that helps you through your grief and helps you regain some joy in your life again.
Sending you thoughts of comfort and healing