More that fourteen years of darkness is so much. I know that no two depression's are the same. Perhaps I have only recovered from mine because I may have more of a "bipolar type" depression (have lots of ups and downs). I am so grateful I am not currently in darkness. In 2015, the low was so bad that I tried to end it and it turned out badly so it's healthy that you are aware of that.

I know I am lucky because my H stayed with me when I was so low and I know that you are very lonely. However, medication, posting, exercise, therapy and prayer also helped. This morning I viewed the following video that Boogiesmash recommended, I hope you find it helpful: https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...R4&app=desktop

Many people at PC have dealt with a few of the feelings that you have. I hope that someday you don't feel as low as you do know.