My mother was a manic depressive who had children too young in my opinion. I believe she was jealous of the attention my father showed me. She openly admitted to favoring my younger brother. She had a breakdown when I was 13ish and committed for 2 months. Things got better for a while, but even as an adult she seemed to want to make my life difficult.

My father was an alcoholic, and he was an abusive drunk. He mistook fear for respect. He quit drinking about 6 months before my mother's breakdown, but then he was just angry all of the time. He would flare about the smallest things. Actually he would have a bad day at work, keep an even temper there and then all hell would break loose at home. About a year before he quit drinking he smashed me in the face with a stonewear coffee cup for a reason that I do not recall. Then was furious because I was standing there bleeding (we learned not to leave until dismissed).

I was feeling sorry for myself and mumbling to myself in the bathroom. I said that I would kill him if he ever hit me again. He overheard this, and rather than beat the hell out of me, he called me down and asked me to repeat what I said. I did. He asked how I planned to go about doing this and I told him there is a loaded gun in the desk, and the next time he hits me I would use it to shoot him.

I don't know if this is what woke him up to the reality that was our life. But he did not hit any of us for a long time after that.

I know this affects my life today, instead of becoming an abuser, I worked very hard to control my temper (which would match his) and I never punished my children in anger. My husband, bless him has had to put up with a lot of emotional baggage. He's accepted the fact that I am the only one I trust to discipline the kids. He is supportive and understanding most of the time, and for that I am grateful.

I was molested by my father's best friend and they did not see the signs of my fear. When we were to spend the night at their house, I would not sleep (maybe the source of my sleep problem now?) and wait for them to come home and go to bed. I would then wake my brother up and haul him across town at 2:30 in the morning. The babysitter asked me why I did this, I told her. She in turn told my parents who did not believe me. I had to appologize to the man in question and swear never to repeat the story again. The positive side to that was I never had to spend the night there again. The man in question was caught molesting my cousin 5 years later.

I think my depression and anxiety are genetic, my temper and paranoia as well. I've worked very hard to control the things I can.

I KNOW my parents loved me, they were dealing with their own childhood issues. My father helped break the abuse cycle (at least the stuff caused by alcohol) by going into detox. When my father died, my mother realized that her favorite child (her words not mine) lived on the other coast and was not to be of any help. We're now close in a manner of speaking. She's gone out of her way to make up for the things of my youth, but it's still ackward.

All in all I think that's its made me a better parent. I am able to withstand conflict on the outside. A co-worker once asked me how I could stand our boss in my face screaming at me. I told him compared to my father, strictly minor league, and my boss can't hit me. Later my insides collapse.