i guess we have to mourn in a sense, a loss... loss of childhood, loss of love... safetey... mourning things lost

its painful... i think im gonna be going to the hospital soon.. i can feel it
just thought i could wait it out, see the pdoc, hopefully make some changes that can have some immediate form of actions to keep me from having to go into the hospital...

really dont wanna go to the hospital... but not sure what else to do, im in a downward spiral... if i dont then i might start self harming again or something... why doesnt the pain and suffereing end when the trauma ends... but i guess the trauma never really ends... atleast till you can process it... dont think ill ever be able to...
im scared... and tired... oh so tired... i dont wanna sleep anymore, wanna do stuff... but i cant do anything because im so tired... depression is draining it all i guess