My boyfriend failed to take our cat to the ASPCA neutering station again. This time, he didn’t hear the alarm. It’s probably the 10th time he fails to get her neutered. The justifications/excuses vary: he either didn’t get enough sleep last night so he decided to take her next time, or it was raining, or it was way too cold for our cat to be taken out, or he got there and it was too late to get a turn, or he forgot that the cat needed to be fasting, or he just decided that the day was not appropriate.

The reason why it bothers me so much is because I see this as a reflection of his life.

Ever since I met him, I knew about his artistic dreams and his financial struggles, especially his huge student loans. We met working together, and he was using his income to support his dad while he was going through a rough patch. I saw a loving and passionate guy who cared about his family more than anything, and who was willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his dreams, not only for himself, but to provide for the ones he loved the most.

Fast-forward 6.5 years later and the picture has dramatically changed. After 8months together, he moved to another city where he saw possibilities to make it big. I joined him a year later, went to school, found a part-time job, and worked my butt off doing both at the same time for 2.5 years to make it happen for myself while making ends meet. I finally graduated and found a full-time job in my field with a decent income. It’s been 4 years and I’ve managed to have a decent modest life with my finances in order.

Meanwhile, during these 4 years, my boyfriend has pretty much depended on me to make ends meet, or just to support him financially. During our 1st year living together, he collected unemployment. Then, he held a job with a friend that lasted for about 4 months. Then he found a job, and got laid off. Then, they hired him back, and months later laid him off again. He collected unemployment again until it ran out. And ever since then, I’ve been paying for pretty much everything in the house except his cellphone and sometimes his metro-card. He has been officially unemployed for 1year and 4 months.

On one hand, he has become a great househusband: he cooks, he cleans, he buys all the things that we need (with my money), he looks out for me and whatnot. But on the other hand… it really, really, really upsets me to be with someone who is not being a provider. I’ve been working since I was 10years-old, and I come from a family who strongly values work ethics. When my dad lost his well-paying job, he found a job at a hotel’s laundry working late night shifts. He did that for a year because he knew his “pride” was not as important as being a provider for his family. And that’s something that marked my life.

Now, I know my boyfriend and I don’t have children, but I see months going by and nothing is happening in his life. His efforts to achieve his dreams are there, but they are mild and I feel like maybe they are not pointed in the right direction. And as much as I appreciate him taking care of our home, this is not something we agreed to at all. In fact, I intentionally put little effort in our house chores because I feel like, if he’s not working or providing any source of income, he should take care of it while I’m the one who’s working +50hrs a week and paying for everything, even leisure. What I really want is to be a team, both putting 50-50 of effort in everything and sharing responsibilities (financially, house chores, leisure… everything).

Meanwhile, he accuses me of doble-standard: “if the tables where turned, you would feel OK with me supporting you”, “if I earned the kind of money you do, I would pay for everything and let you achieve your dreams” (although… I’ve never been unemployed for more than 2 months, and wouldn’t let myself be unemployed for more than a year). He accuses me of being lucky: “you’ve had it easy because you had people that helped you, you studied something that has a lot of demand, you got a job in a field that pays really well”. He accuses me of being cold, of not empathizing with him: “you knew all of my struggles since you met me”, “you know that music is my dream and I’m never going to stop until I make it” (btw, I’ve never, ever, asked him to quit his dreams), “if you had all the debts that I’ve had to deal with, you wouldn’t be able to handle it”, “do you know how much these problems put me down?”. He accuses me of being condescending: “you’re always rubbing things on my face”, “I can’t wait till the day that I can pay you back all the money you’ve lend me (it should be about +$15,000 by now, but I stopped counting 2 years ago), and then some more, so you stop throwing that on my face”.

I don’t know if these things are right or wrong. I lose perspective because I feel so fed up, I can only see what I see and feel. I always wonder what he would have done if I wasn’t here for him.

I also think A LOT about our future… because I feel like there is none. I secretly dream of being engaged, getting married, having kids. I’m in my mid-30s and don’t have a lot of time left to start a family. And as our 7th anniversary approaches, I feel like I’m wasting my time. More so, when the subject comes up, I’ve never felt like he is unequivocally convinced that I’m the one, you know? I don’t feel this strong desire from him of like, “yes, I know is tough right now, but I’m going to fix it because I don’t want to lose you, I want us to be together and build a future, blablabla”… Instead, he always says “We can’t get married yet because of all my financial burdens, it wouldn’t be fair to you,lets see what happens, maybe one day we will”. I have no doubts that he loves me, but I feel like he puts up with me because he needs me, because no other woman would be willing to put up with all of his baggage. And I do love him too, I just feel I’m being taken advantage of somehow.

Thoughts? Is there a chance to do something differently? A possibility of change? Am I being unfair, cold, unconsidered? Does he have a point? Do I have point?