Hell Zedsdead,Unfortunately it is the love part keeps you in the relationship,but it won't come good no matter how hard you try because the fault doesn't lie with you or what you do the problem is with the abuser.You are confused cos the narcissist has somehow convinced you you are the problem if only you could change you,try harder,be more,loving,understanding, grateful, etc hence the guilt and shame.**** that,it is the nasty,violent verbal,emotional,abuser,controller,bully to blame for it all.You won't get your head straight or stop being confused or feeling guilt and shame until you walk away and go No contact!It is the only way to find health,freedom,peace.That's it.Years of pain and deliberation it all boils down to one thing,to survive this and have a life with good feelings in it you have to give up your abuser and walk out,leave,end the relationship.I am glad reading about our success gives you hope,assert your right to a good life and leave,you won't regret it you'll wonder why you didn't do it ages ago.