Something just dawned on me. This feeling of dread of going out is the same feeling I would have on having to go to school. I got picked on a lot in school because I dressed badly and didn't trust others. I dreaded going to school becaues of he ridicule and violence. Back than kids would knock things out of my hands, call me names and threaten me with violence. Some of that stopped when Ii started punching them back but it was still extremely stressful and hurtful to be faced with that everyday. Many times I would walk around the block and when my mother left for work I would go back into the house. I was alone so no one could hurt me. Those times always felt safe, warm and good. This anxiety or dread of having to go out near people feels very similar. I am safe if I just avoid people. Only now I see it as fear and not self preservation. I am still confused. And I am getting light headed writing this