I'm not sure if it's the agitated depression, PTSD or what. I'm starting to scare myself. Not in the way like, "Oh hey, I'm going to off myself as soon as I'm alone." Because I won't. It's also not just the hallucinations that are making my skin crawl, or even the paranoia (well that could be part of it, I'm convinced more often than not that something bad's going to happen).

I'm familiar with intrusive, often violent, thoughts that cross my mind. Usually, the violence is directed towards myself; much less frequently towards others. I sit or hang out with people who I care about and who care about me: My fiance and our two friends. These are people I'd take a bullet for and never want to hurt in my life. I want to protect them. Here's the thing, I'm having to hold back these violent urges that come out of nowhere. It's like I want to hurt them, even if only for a minute. My fiance and I were playing around earlier and I shoved him pretty hard...it wasn't an accident, either. I wanted to beat the crap out of him without any provocation. I felt guilty immediately following and hugged him and helped him fall asleep. It was like, I saw myself do it but I wasn't in control of my body and my rage.

I've dealt with something similar to this before, but it's been a long time since I was like this. Like I'm a hair trigger waiting to depersonalize or derealization and acting out violently without being able to stop. Last time I got like this, I'd end up going through full dissociation and "wake up" with broken objects around me; I'd also find myself crying and wondering why. Like, how the hell did I not remember having some sort of melt down where I'm crying and breaking things?

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I control this around the person I love the most? Why would I ever want to hurt him when he's one of the few people who's never once hurt me? It doesn't make sense.