You weren't able to handle thinking about or dealing with these things until now. The time just was not right--maybe not able to understand/kept it buried for who knows why--perhaps our hearts don't soften up from the terrible traumas until we have enough support from God, family and friends? You intelligence and open ways of thinking will help you. Though I know it hurts so much--it probably makes you cry to write these things. And our H's sometimes have a hard time with it--either they don't want to know (previous bfs and stuff) or it is just hard to talk to them sometimes.... But you have lots of people you can talk to and you can continue seeing your T, praying, etc. <<<hugs>>>