Hello people,

I hope everyone is doing okay, I just thought I'd introduce myself and tell a little bit about my struggle. My name is Matt, I'm 25 and was recently diagnosed with BPD, it was kind of a rough patch to go by but it also made me feel better about all these answers I have been looking for.
I was affected quite a lot actually, all that anxiety and all these panic attacks, especially in relationships. I have been alone for years, I always felt unable to have relationships and still feel traumatized by last ones which were years ago. I feel very good about myself but feel unsafe, uneasy with my family and people who try to get close to me.
The thought of someone loving me makes me freak out.. as in feeling paralyzed and panicking. But, it is quite the contradiction because I also feel pulled by those who do like me, even tho I can't stand them.
And yet, it is quite funny because I'm a very social and loving person...go figure... I like people and they like me back, I just can't deal with these connections as well as I would, I feel so ashamed of myself it is very wearing.

I have a reasonable amount of friends which I chose very carefully over time. And Id say its fine, as long as they don't try to get too close. Some of them I wouldnt mind. Others? Not so much! As for women... Oh my, I just keep pushing them away.. I did kinda have feelings for one recently, but she was much older than I am and had a boyfriend grrrr..and I probably would have ****ed it up in some way, and I think I did... She hasnt been answering to my texts anymore kinda sad, we had a nice complicity... Anyway I need to concentrate on myself, even tho I feel like I've been doing this forever and I kinda lust for closeness. Thing is, another girl happened to show up out of nowhere, I don't want to get in the details but... We cuddled and kissed...which is... Apocalyptic for me. I was so so scared but luckily I was already buzzed on endorphin from working out plus that crazy amount of oxytocin for cuddling... I can't remember the last time I cuddled. Anyway....the day after.. I had an adrenaline rush at breakfast, so close to a panic attack. I felt so terrorized and then I spent 3 hours in bed, my body shaking... Im so happy I didn't have nightmares tho!

Anyway, guess I needed to talk about it, wondering if it would be a sign of post traumatic stress, because of my...other experiences, which I'm a little ashamed to talk about. Thank you so much for reading, it means a lot.