I've been thinking about you a lot today. You are now 4 months old and all the newborn/0-3 months clothes I have would probably no longer fit you! I imagine you can hold your head up pretty well now, and I bet your SMILE is the most beautiful thing in the whole universe. Are you a calm baby, or a crier? When I'm out in public and I hear a baby cry, my first instinct is that it's you...I always turn around to make sure its not. Every time.

I suppose the most amazing thing to me in all of this, is that while I imagine you as an innocent, precious bundle of joy, the truth is that you are so much wiser than I and you know so much more. When I think of you, underneath all the pain, the only thing I feel is pure love. No fear...no one else have I loved so much that it has been able to cast out the FEAR that I feel with everyone else. I want you to know that my desires for another child in NO WAY is intended to replace you or the place in my heart you will forever hold.

As everyone around me tells me to wait, it's so easy to dismiss their opinions...but then I stop. And I realize that you're telling me the same thing. And you know, because you know why you had to go to Heaven instead of being here with me, something I as an Earthly human will never comprehend. I also know that when the time is right, you will pick out the perfect little brother or sister and send him/her to me.

But right now, and for eternity, I am a mother. I am your mother and you are my first child. You will always be my first child. I will spend the rest of my life every day, every second loving you. Just like if you were here, it's no different really.

Love and kisses,
Mommy