I have a brain injury….sometimes…it helps me to think…if I just sit and type….what ever comes into my head..runs out my fingers…I can see the words on the screen…and I will have come to understand…what is hidden from my awareness…I wish to place it…somewhere….in my solitude…or out of my solitude…I wish to exist…even if it is to be just words written on a screen….there is some ache in me I can not factor into understanding…the where from which it arises…if I knew…would I be able to bring forth some balm…some wisdom that would give ease…I don’t know….I have looked and looked and looked…or maybe I think I have…when really I am just shoving it back…closing the door…stiffening the resolve…not to look….because if we really look don’t we see….maybe not…or we see…we just refuse to admit…or say it outloud…for then it becomes fleshed into reality…where is the ache…it sets in my chest…maybe not an ache of the heart…but a pressure taking the breath….oh here is a glimpse….I stifle myself….those doors I shut…close me off…I won’t open…expose myself….yet that isn’t all truth…I do…yet I don’t….I walk out into the sun…and I see….I feel….is it the lack of connection…in my solitude…I am free…to enter another requires…letting them…..I want and I don’t want….there are people who wish into my life…yet I can’t make the effort…or I won’t….just like writing these words…it is safely onesided…..I touch…but am not touched….there is a disconnect in my brain….I am set aside…it feels pointless….just to utter words…to watch a movie of another’s life play out…and it like listening to someone read the phonebook…where is the spark that gathers any interest….how can I reach….and at the same time…be untouched…I like the stillness…the silence….I feel most people are just NOISE….static on a level of volume that bounces like a rock on my brain….it bruises…..if my comfort is stillness…where is the ache…yet I wish to add my own noise…to stand on the hilltop…and open my mouth and sing…sound moving like a wave across space….ahhhh…..I can do that….there is a breath….I can do that….I will look…I will see….I will go….and sing…..or...is it that I am singing here.....