I have a lot of responsibilities. I have a wife, three kids, a mortgage, car payment, debts, an extremely professional day job and a tremendously demanding freelance work load. To quote R.E.M., I don't sleep I dream.

A few weeks ago, when I was really struggling, I found Psych Central and I let my guard down. I turned inward, recognized how screwed up I was, and really started processing some of it. I thought again about a diagnoses that was made years ago. It's funny, but a lot can happen in just a few weeks.

But now I'm wondering if I have time to be so self involved.

Where does that line get drawn? It seems like I can shut off entirely and stay busy twenty four hours a day or I can be completely inside myself and try to get healthy. But if I do the later, this multi million dollar world I help prop up will come tumbling down. I make national tv. And though it's crappy tv designed to sell people things they don't need, it's still what I do and I'm expected to generate millions of dollars in sales every week. Sometimes I have to generate that in a single day. To do that demands blood, sweat and tears.

So how can I expect myself to work on feelings that I convince the world I don't even have? Really, who has the time? Every spare second I do have needs to go to my wife, my children, and the freelance work that promises to one day elevate me out of the world of sales driven television to "work" that has real meaning.

This world demands that I not slow down. I must remain composed and focused, every second of every day.

How can I be sick if I don't even exist?

I'm not going anywhere. I'll still be here on PC. Because what I'm writing here is just a thought. An idea floating above spreadsheets and scripts on my desktop as I get ready to change a diaper and make lunch for my older boys. It's an acknowledgement of the simple, undeniable truth of my life: if my obligations are all that matter, it doesn't matter if I'm not really present. Therefore my illness is irrelevant.

Nothing means anything and so far as the world knows, I'm fine with that.

Cyrano