Ok... try this on for size. This is from my experience so it may not necessarily fit you alltogether...

It's my belief that we all have a bond with both our parents when we're children. Somewhere along the line, something goes wrong, probably words, actions, or lack of actions, that hurt us so much so that we withdraw from that bond... maybe after time.

In my experience, the abandonement I suffered through my mom's INaction of protecting me is what I've been focusing on since therapy.

Just about an hour or so ago, I realized that my issues of abandonment also extend to my father... er... sperm donor. He made me fall in love with him... as a man, not a father, and then left us. He was always in and out of my life since I was born so I hadn't given it much thought all this time.

So... that abandonment is a two-edged sword.

As an old woman, there are times I still cry "I want my mommy!" But I've realized that when I say that, what I truly mean, is "I want the mother that SHOULD HAVE BEEN, not the useless mother I DID have. She cared for me outstandingly physically, but was found quite lacking in the emotional department.

Darrel, IMO, somewhere along the line, your parents must have abandoned you in some way the way mine abandoned me. That's why there is "no love lost" there. I have carried the pain of that throughout my life. I've found ways of dealing (coping mechanisms) with the rejection. I've learned to keep my heart "safe", in my thinking and my own actions... or both. (I abandoned society to protect myself.

I've tried! I've tried to live a "normal" life, to believe in love (because I feel it intensly), I've tried to be a good friend, to give even if I don't receive. I've learned to look for it to come back to me from other than the sources I give it to.

My expectations always seem to be set too high. I've lowered my expectations of people (in my head), but this stupid heart of mine always winds up, at the very least, disappointed.

That's why I'm cynical about true love. My heart wants to believe it exists, but my head tells me BBZZZZZ!!!! WRONG!!!!!

Perhaps that's why I'm still where I'm at now. At my age, I feel it's too late to go looking, once more, for the real thing. Enough of the pain! But at the same time, I'm hurting myself, too. I'm allowing it to continue, but...

But...

Take all this for what it's worth. See what fits, keep it if you want, and discard the rest. I'm willing to keep discussing this, though, if you are.