Quote:
Originally Posted by Claritytoo
Something just dawned on me. This feeling of dread of going out is the same feeling I would have on having to go to school. I got picked on a lot in school because I dressed badly and didn't trust others. I dreaded going to school becaues of he ridicule and violence. Back than kids would knock things out of my hands, call me names and threaten me with violence. Some of that stopped when Ii started punching them back but it was still extremely stressful and hurtful to be faced with that everyday. Many times I would walk around the block and when my mother left for work I would go back into the house. I was alone so no one could hurt me. Those times always felt safe, warm and good. This anxiety or dread of having to go out near people feels very similar. I am safe if I just avoid people. Only now I see it as fear and not self preservation. I am still confused. And I am getting light headed writing this
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That seems like a really important realization, Clarity. No wonder it is so hard for you to leave the house! I imagine at the slightest inkling of possible harm or vulnerability you want to retreat immediately to your home, and stay there.
This is the kind of thing that a trauma t can help with, even if it isn't possible to see one often.
I deal with a similar thing, though not as extreme. In structural dissociation it is sometimes called a 'phobia of traumatic material'. There is trauma associated with being out in the world, and trauma associations are avoided because a) they cause dissociation and b) they cause intrusive traumatic recall. So one tries to 'stay in the safety zone' by avoiding any traumatic association. When the traumatic association is being out of the house it can narrow one's ability to experience life considerably.
But a trauma therapist can definitely help with that kind of thing.
There is hope!