Firstly I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read this cause it's going to be quiet lengthy & im not very goo at pouring my heart out.
In June last year I got sexually involved with a guy from my local pub. We didn't know eachother very well but he seemed nice enough. We slept together the first time, no issues. A few days later we got into an argument because I made a detour when I was on my way to his house & he basically told me to shove it & lose his number. Fair enough whatever. A few days later he messaged me saying to come over (I couldn't, I'd been awake for 3 days straight partying & was too much of a mess) so I agreed to go the next night. Went there things were great & went and stayed the following night also. Low and behold a few days later I'm again told to shove it & lose his number & was messaged a few days after to come over. He picked me up went to his house & basically said "do you want to start a relationship with me" (as if notice he was becoming jealous & possessive) & we started a relationship ! Lasted short of a month, during which time he'd stop talking to me for days so I'd go on meth binges & then he'd talk to me again & id stop, I also ended up on the phone to one of his exs who told me he was still sleeping with her- in hindsight I should of listened & got rid of him). The relationship ended because he found out I was still talking to an ex, I got called every name under the sun it was just ugly. A few days after it ended he asked me to go to his house for sex which ended on an argument & me walking home. I went on Facebook & found out he was in ANOTHER relationship already ! I used a fake profile to message her and warn her he's a cheater. I didn't really hear from him again til October he contacted me through Facebook. I saw him a few times, the last time ended with me & him back "together" 4 days later I got a phone call from a girl asking who I was & all this other **** & it turned out he was still banging the one he was with after me. He said he wanted to go back to her. I didn't take it well & tried to OD & spent 4 days in a mental health unit after a night in ER. I never gave him the satisfaction of knowing what I did. I was hurting & my soul was really hurting because I was dumb enough to believe we loved eachother but the feelings weren't reciprocated. He got in contact with me, I've seen him on and off since. He always messages me asking for sexual photos or videos & ive been giving in. I need to call it quits somehow but I just don't know how. He's 13 years older than me & has 6 kids so he's had a chance to live his life & has a lot of love in his life but if I keep this going I'm never going to be able to experience these things for myself. He's psychologically abusive & always has been. He cheated on me several times & has continuous legal issues (one of the main events I was there for & lucky the police didn't arrest me too!). I try really hard to see the good in him & I do see it. I try really hard to picture a future with him but I don't see an easy one. He tries to convince me I'm special & there's no one else but it's a load of **** ! He's the biggest sleaze I know !
By now you can tell I'm probably flogging a dead horse (for lack of a better phrase). How do I end this ? I don't wanna let go of him but it's really hurting me. I've taken my feelings away from the situation but it's been hard. I do care about him & I've fallen more in love with him as time has gone on but he's terrible for me. I was even almost 3 months clean of meth & he waived it in my face again (been off it again for nearly 6 weeks). We have had some really great times together, I absolutely adore his kids (the ones I've met) & I adore him despite all of the seemingly ****** things he's done but he doesn't love me & he doesn't want to be stable & settled with anyone otherwise we would be. Throughout this "relationship" (&by relationship I mean the entire situation) Ilmy mental health has declined & ive tried to kill myself twice (only one I can really blame on the situation no matter how much of a cop out it seems) & ive had medications increased & added. My drinking got a lot worse but has improved since my mental health has stabilised. It feels like the only thing that matters is what he wants & I give him what he wants because I don't want him to go anywhere else for it (even though I'm 100% sure he's sleeping with other people). I don't know how much longer this can go on without me deteriorating any more...
Any advice or constructive criticism would be helpful. I'm besides myself at the moment.