I'm not sociable (I think it stems from the fact, besides other factors, that I was yelled at, criticized, and even beaten up when I was a small kid. I was convinced that I wasn't good to talk or do anything), so I failed to socialize successfully and thus have isolated myself eventually. I also suffer from concentration and anxiety issues, so, I cannot read and focus on something else and I lose interest very quickly. Not being sociable or successful or interested in anything at all diminishes my self-esteem and makes me feel depressed and worthless. With low self-esteem and depression I have no intention or energy really to socialize or try anything else, which puts me in an endless vicious cycle. I need to break this cycle. It's a self-discovery journey, I guess. It's been a painful and fruitless journey, though. Most of the time I'm surviving. Sometimes I wish to vanish. But rarely, if ever, I have thoughts of change and to better myself. I think I'm better at projecting the past than imaging a different future!!