-Possible Trigger Warning (Self-harm, and maybe some other things)-

I'm not exactly sure how to put what I've been feeling lately into words, so I'm sorry if this sounds weird. I've never admitted these feelings to anyone because I hate them, so even putting them here is going to be a big step for me.

I've been through many horrible things in my life, especially in the past year and a half or so. I'm not going to go into it in detail because I would be typing for 3 days but to sum it up there has been MI (anxiety, depression) as long as I can remember and on top of that there has been verbal abuse for years, the death of my mom last year, and just more situations that people have had negative control over me and abused that control.

A family incident happened 5 weeks ago that left me feeling really betrayed is making me madder than I had ever felt before. There was no physical abuse, but I was forced into a very uncomfortable situation by my aunt and uncle and was screamed at and left in that situation with no say in it.

At first after it happened I was in a state of pure panic and suicidal thoughts for around four days. It was the worst time of my life I think I'll ever have. But now after the numbing has worn off and I feel safe, (I'm not in danger,) my sadness has been replaced by rage. Rage that sometimes is self-hatered, and sometimes towards the family members who I felt betrayed me. I've been getting intrusive and horrible thoughts of some things I could do; towards them and myself, and people in general. I pride myself in being a nice and caring person so these thoughts horrify me beyond belief and always bring me to tears. I am not a bad person, and have rarely had these thoughts in the past.

This anger is mixing in with fresh grief from my mom's death last summer, and I'm feeling so much but the anger is topping everything else. I'm trying to deal with this by punching and cutting myself,(I know that's not healthy) but there is so much of it I'm scared I can't contain it like this forever. I hate almost everything about my life now and there are so many bad things that make me feel so helpless and mad. I hate myself and I'm feeling hatred for others. I hate then way I look, and I'm getting more irritated with people everyday and by their actions that I didn't even mind before everything happened. I've isolated myself from most of my friends except for some of my inner circle, which is maybe for the best and maybe not.

I'm finding that everything my friends talk about is seeming more and more ridiculous and hearing about their so called problems are making me very angry, which is weird for me.

I would really never want to hurt anyone, but lately I feel like a monster that I can't tame and I just have all these feelings eating away at every good thing I've ever liked about myself. I'm not eating very much because I hate my body and feel like I don't deserve to eat. I like seeing myself in pain.

I don't even know what the point of this is, but I feel like I'm becoming someone horrible and I don't want to be. I can't stop self-harming, trust me. It's the only way I'm coping at the moment. I'm trying to be better, but I can't stop these feelings. I'm not even sure who they're towards anymore. Maybe towards life? I feel so miserable and I really hope I don't feel this angry forever because I don't know how long I can suppress it in the ways I have been.