Hey. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna tell him I love him lol. I guess I was just really very relieved that he is still going to keep working with me!

Er... There is more to this story...

See... When I first saw him I said that I'd send in the claim to the health insurance company and see whether they would reimburse or not. I was optimistic because I really really really really wanted him to agree to see me. But then he seemed optimistic about it as well and I worried that I'd misled him rather... So I said that I didn't think they would do it.

You see... I'm on a basic health insurance plan. No provision for therapy but 80% of specialist doctors visits are covered. The more expensive plan has an up to $500 per year therapy provision. So fairly clearly, my plan is NOT intended to cover therapy. But... I was going to send off a claim anyway - since he is a specialist psychiatrist.

Then I had some trouble with his secretary. She put the amount I was contributing for each visit (less then 20%) alongside the objective amount for each visit. I asked her if she could print me off the dates for each visit with the objective amount and not list the amount that I had contributed. She seemed puzzled. I said 'because I'm concerned that the insurance company will calculate their contribution on the assumption that the amount I've paid is 20% of the amount they should contibute'. She said... 'Well... Is it fair to ask the insurance company to contribute 80% of the objective cost when you are only contributing that much?????'

Shame. I muttered something about 'well, p-doc is offering me the sliding scale and not the insurance company'. But I wasn't really convinced (especially since I know they don't intend to reimburse therapy). I just walked away at that point. I wasn't sure what to do... So in the end I asked my p-doc if he could ask his secretary if it would be possible to print off the dates I saw him together with the objective amount leaving off my contribution. He didn't have any idea why I asked him to do that (I really didn't want to try and explain because I thought it would look like I was 'telling tales' or trying to make trouble for his secretary. He said we should go out and talk to her together.

He said 'can we talk to you for a minute?' then kind of handed things over to me. I asked her if she could list the objective contribution leaving off the amount I'd paid and she said 'no'. I asked her (very measured but I guess I looked upset) 'is that because you have an ethical problem with doing that, or is that because it is a limitation with the computer software?' He flinched a little at that point and wandered off into the other room (probably because he was worried I was trying to see whether he would take my 'side' or something). She said that it was a limitation of the computer software because of the way that things were set up. I accepted that.

I never sent off the forms. Because... I worried that it was unethical of me to ask the insurance company to reimburse when firstly, they never intended to reimburse therapy on my policy (and the most expensive policy maxes out at $500 for therapy each year and I'd be claiming a LOT more than that). And secondly because I'm not contributing anywhere close to 20% of the objective amount.

So... I promised (in our first session when he agreed to work with me) that I'd send off the claim. And... I didn't send off the claim. So... I broke the therapy contract. So... He would be well within his rights (it would be understandable if) he chose not to work with me anymore and if he charged me the amount that the insurance company might have contributed if I had have sent in the claim. I was terrified that he was going to terminate me. I would have figured out the money... Would have taken years to pay him... But I would have figured that out...

But he said that there never was any question of his terminating me and that he certainly still wants to keep working with me. Phew. But... He seemed mega-pissed with his secretary (I told him the whole story just like I've put things here). I tried to defuse things there. Said that the time I talked to her about this she seemed really quite flustered. Had just arrived and there were other people waiting and stuff. That I understood that she didn't mean any harm and stuff... None of that seemed to help him be any the less pissed with her, though :-(

Sorry that was so long, but that is the whole situation.

I guess I thought... That he would have checked and seen that the insurance money hadn't come in and that he would have figured the claim had been declined. I guess I did intentionally mean for him to be misled :-( I'm glad this is all out in the open now, and he knows I never sent in the claim :-( I feel really aweful about this whole situation :-( I worry that I screwed him over, too :-(

I guess... I'm just so relieved. Though I still feel dirty and ashamed... Lots of issues around being poor and other people making concessions for me :-( I guess that what she said really hit a nerve for me :-( But... I worried that she was right. It was something I was worried about before she said anything, but her saying it made me realise that YES there was a worry there about how ethical it was to ask them to do that. But of course it wasn't very ethical of me to not send off the forms when I'd promised him that I would :-( I have trouble with ethics a lot... My mother did some things with money that I struggle a little with ethically... I want to be a good person :-( I just didn't have the courage to tell him upfront that I thought it was wrong to ask the insurance company for reimbursement :-( And... That was wrong :-( :-( :-(