It seems that you are indeed working to "better yourself." Your journey may feel fruitless because of the difficult feelings felt along the way, but have faith that you are wending your way towards what you desire.
It appears that you are defining your feelings, looking for root causes, deconstructing and reconstructing...all very good problem solving. It makes sense that you are anxious around people when your self esteem has taken a blow. Maybe choose a theme song to play or sing or hear in your head to influence mood and purpose? I've used "I get knocked down, but I get up again, you are never going to keep me down." Or, I've used a cliche a day theory, depending on my struggle. For example, I'll think to myself "a little goes a long way." A tweak in the right direction makes a big difference over time. I remember these things when I walk around to help me cope with emotions. When stuck in a cycle, I have to use little mind tricks to get out. I make deals with myself.
You are insightful, intelligent, and I assume resourceful. You do have many strengths!