Hey everyone. It's been a while and a LOT of awful things have happened in my life since last posting, but there is one particular thing that I can't cope with: my boyfriend showing signs of being a human being (crying, having anxiety and worries about life, etc). I'm a very empathetic person and I understand that everyone is going to have their worries and doubts in life, but I'm SO emotionally reliant and anxious of life's uncertainties that when I see my boyfriend so anxious, it sends me into a frenzy of anxiety myself, which often leads to self-harm urges and suicidal ideation. It feels as though the ground beneath my feet has started to crumble. It's the same fear a child may get if they see their parent have an emotional breakdown. I feel like a helpless child.

This morning my boyfriend got into a car accident and I could not handle it at all. Instead of being able to comfort him, I immediately started to freak out, cry, and hit myself violently, which just made everything so much worse. I struggle immensely with getting anxious over the thought of losing a loved one to death, so this was major fuel for the fire. How can I cope with the uncertainties of life? I can't drive myself because my anxiety is too high and I dissociate behind the wheel (I crashed myself, years ago), I can't work for the same reason, and I can't really contribute to much of anything in day to day life because I'm so helpless in anything that would make a difference (such as bringing in some income to help us move out). It makes me feel in so much less control of my life, which amplifies my fears of the uncertainty, since I can't "make life the way I want it" almost at all. It's all up to chance, and all up to other people. The most I can do is teach myself DBT which I have been doing (can't afford a therapist) and hope for the best..which is becoming very difficult.

I want to be a better support and not lose my mind when my boyfriend is feeling worried about things in life and expressing it to me. I don't do this on purpose, I just naturally become so terrified. I have tried to use "radical acceptance" like what DBT teaches, to cope with stressful situations like these but it doesn't seem to do all that much.