I'm sorry you are feeling so much anger, rage, & self-hatred. I harbor a lot of these same feelings. However in my case they are to be expected & I mostly have come to accept them over time. It is true that carrying around these sorts of thoughts & feelings can be toxic. So hopefully you are seeing a therapist with whom you can, over a period of time, process all of this. From my perspective, simply waiting for it to simply burn itself out is a recipe for ongoing unhappiness. I wish you well...