mtd, I don't know what to say. It's like you saw right through me. I am trying to justify retreating back into my busy life, you're right. Since I quit drugs and alcohol almost seven years ago, I buried myself in family and work. It's all I do. I traded one distraction for another.

That is until I started to crumble a few weeks ago. Suddenly I can't keep it together and I'm just sort of collapsing. I used to just be numb and now I can't even get back to that blissful vacuum. And I do so want to go back. I want to feel nothing. Because I've got to be honest, this sucks and I'm not sure I can take it.

Coming here, posting my stories and my comments, at first it was like a game. I've always been able to talk about this stuff without any emotions attached to it. It's like I'm describing someone else's life. A happened, then B happened, then C and yeah, it was bad but you know, I'm fine now. And I'd go through all the motions of having overcome insurmountable odds to emerge as some great filmmaker.

And I was kind of happy in my bull %#@&#!. Or at least, I was numb.

So yeah, I want to run back to that. I don't know how to do what you describe. I don't know how to split time between this and work. I don't know how to heal. And I don't know how to face this.

I just want out! I want the pain that's been cutting through my every thought to just %#@&#! the hell off! I'm going to lose everything if I can't make this stop! I can't even be with my kids without it effecting my every movement and expression. Every smile is false and my various masks don't fit anymore.

And I can't even cry over it because I never cry. I don't know how. I can't remember the last time I did. It's like I'm a tree, hollowed out from the inside by bugs while still hanging on to life.

So this is what I'm talking about. I need to be able to turn my back on it all and just be busy.

But I can't, can I? The dam has broken and I'm drowning in about 32 years of uncried tears.

I'm not strong enough for this.

It's too much pain.

I'm lost.

Cyran0