Hi there,

For years, I've been working in therapy to connect with my true self and deal with my core issues. Where I'm at now is needing to grieve the dad I never had - my dad has always been physically present in my life, but he was so damn scary that I didn't want him near me. I had to kind of block his presence out of my consciousness. So, there we were living together - with me pretending he wasn't really there, like it was just a dream.. Like none of it mattered.

Now I feel it does matter. I'm so sad I basically didn't have a father! And I feel it would really help to read other people's stories, too, to see that I'm not alone with this. So I thought I'd start this thread where we can share our feelings.. Whatever you feel like sharing. How being fatherless has made you feel, how it has impacted you and your life, what difficulties it has presented.. Not to necessarily get advice, but just so we can share our stories.

I'll start by sharing that I feel absolutely worthless, like it would have been better if I was never born! I know this comes from him, my dad, feeling this way, and I know something or someone did want me here - because I am here! - but I can't help feeling like I never should have been, and I just need to share this and be heard..

Another thing I've noticed is not feeling like I deserve to be looked after. I've never truly cared about my appearance - on the contrary, I've wanted to destroy it so the pain within could finally be seen on the outside as well! Only recently have I started to realise this is because I didn't and don't have a dad, and how important a father's presence - emotional and psychological as well as physical! - is to a girl's development.. My therapist once said little girls should be able to 'parade' in front of their fathers' loving attention.. I never had that