I sort of struggled like this when I was diagnosed with PTSD years ago, the whole idea of taking control of my life was such an abstract thought then. Six years later, it still kind of feels that way to be honest - but at least now I can recognize feelings and deal with them somehow. So I'm not entirely lost in my pain.

Before I tried to make sense out of anything, I had to deal with the hurt. Being in pain paralyzes you in a way you can't just help yourself. The moment you decide you don't want to feel that way anymore, is the moment you will try to help put yourself together - and maybe, get some control back of you life. I know it sounds kind of weird, but there is a moment in which you become exhausted of being hurt: whether it would be because you can't say no, or because everyone is being unfair to you (we can't please everyone all the time, so that usually gets us in bad situations even if we mean well) - and even if you do think you might deserve the pain, you are only human and you will get exhausted of it. Both mentally and physically, I've been there.

That has been my experience so far, it's not really a healthy point to get to, so I hope that you and your therapist get to find healthier solutions to cope with this. Do know that it can't be that bad forever though, and you are still capable of better thoughts after abuse.

Please, try to look out for yourself as you get there. Be patient with yourself.