I commend Erebos for his insight into military marriages. Re-read his posts. He also, IMO, has great insight into your wife's mindset and gameplan. Some of what he said never occurred to me - like her probably wanting you deployed before she does who-knows-what next.

As far as betrayal goes, I would say this: You are junior varsity, while she is an olympic contender. I'll bet you were experiencing some loneliness in this marriage way back when you thought things were basically okay. If I'm not mistaken, your pay can possibly go up, when you are deployed. If that is the case, she is timing her moves to get the most of that deployment money. Also, as Erebos intelligently observes, you are at a disadvantage when deployed thousands of miles away . . . which is where she wants you.

Always be aware that, when you are talking with this woman, she is collecting information from you for her own purposes. Tell her nothing about nothing. Confide nothing in her. Make yourself a sphinx. Or give her misinformation to slow her down. You can be sure that absolutely everything she tells you is to keep you off-balance and somewhat confused . . . or to exhault in how brilliant she thinks she is. Vanity is her Achilles' heel would be my guess. Instead of being sad at the failure of a marriage, which would be the normal sentiment to have about a tragic situation, where two children are facing growing up in a broken home, this young woman is rubbing her hands together in glee, all happy about how she has gained control and ejected her husband out of a marriage that he didn't even know was being dismantled behind his back. She is all proud of how smart she thinks she has been. She enjoys rubbing her husband's nose in how totally she has gotten herself in the driver's seat and exerts control. That's her weakness. She has an over-sized ego. DadFMF, you will see the day that she underestimates someone who plays like she does and beats her at her own game. But that's neither here nor there at the present moment.

One caveat I would give you is to not take any legal advice from anyone who isn't a lawyer. A lot of people (including counselors) will tell you a lot of things. And people mean well when they do that. But everybody in the world thinks they know more than they do. So get to an attorney's office and arm yourself with real expert advice on what are your rights and obligations and how to protect and discharge them. You're going to have to fight for a decent relationship with those two children. They are still as much yours as they ever were. Don't forget that.