Hi Veledass

My main goal in my life was to have a good family and kid, but now i failed in that field.I feel total loser.
I am 36 and cannot say that i achieved anything so far.
I would say that you are achieving every day!!!
You are hanging in there for your son, and I'm sure you know that there are other parents who would pass on those challenges. And although I'm sure the challenges are real hard, that doesn't need to mean that you haven't still fulfilled one big goal of having a good kid. I know that some behaviours may seem anything but good using "normal" as a guide, but he will be seeing and feeling the world through "different eyes". Maybe in some areas you can help him adjust behaviours, in others adapt around them, but you can/could still have a very good kid deep down.
And taking on a part time job on top of the challenges you're facing!!! MAJOR achievement!!!
Of course that's not to trivialise how hard things may feel to you right now, and the depression after finding out can be completely understandable.........you probably had certain expectations which most parents will have..........you know the kind........natural development, first words, first day at school, teenage years, girl/boyfriends, them getting a job, moving out..........but some of those things might be different now..........so it's natural to grieve over the loss of the child you thought you'd have. And while some pretty amazing things can still happen in your son's life it can take time to grieve and adjust to a new "normal".
Wonder if you've read this..........
Autism Poem: Welcome to Holland
And naturally spending time with/getting support from other parents going through the same thing can help a lot. Including sharing some of the responsibility to allow you some time to yourself if one of those or a family member can occasionally look after your son..........having some "time out", even just to relax, can help a lot!!
As for some of the challenging behaviour you may be having I'd say maybe look at reading some stuff Tony Osgood has writen, which can give some different perspectives and reading about "Gentle teaching", although apologies if you already have.
As for you apologising for complaining though.........DON'T!!
It's not complaining (!!) it's reaching out for support, and that's a good thing!!!
I can imagine things can get real hard for you, and you deserve all the support out there!!!! So please keep on doing that!!!

Alison