Not.dead.yet thank you for that - you hit upon a few things that really resonate with me,

I don't know why I am separating the being happy for him with being jealous of him. When I think about it deeply I realise I am glad he has his holidays. Him not having them wouldn't mean I'd have them after all. Maybe I just don't like seeing what I can't have over and over (first holiday he had paid for didn't bother me in this way).

I don't know if I'm as happy as I once was. Material things didn't bother me at all not so long ago. Why does it bother me more now?