Quote:
Originally Posted by not.dead.yet
Hi there,
For years, I've been working in therapy to connect with my true self and deal with my core issues. Where I'm at now is needing to grieve the dad I never had - my dad has always been physically present in my life, but he was so damn scary that I didn't want him near me. I had to kind of block his presence out of my consciousness. So, there we were living together - with me pretending he wasn't really there, like it was just a dream.. Like none of it mattered.
Now I feel it does matter. I'm so sad I basically didn't have a father! And I feel it would really help to read other people's stories, too, to see that I'm not alone with this. So I thought I'd start this thread where we can share our feelings.. Whatever you feel like sharing. How being fatherless has made you feel, how it has impacted you and your life, what difficulties it has presented.. Not to necessarily get advice, but just so we can share our stories.
I'll start by sharing that I feel absolutely worthless, like it would have been better if I was never born! I know this comes from him, my dad, feeling this way, and I know something or someone did want me here - because I am here! - but I can't help feeling like I never should have been, and I just need to share this and be heard..
Another thing I've noticed is not feeling like I deserve to be looked after. I've never truly cared about my appearance - on the contrary, I've wanted to destroy it so the pain within could finally be seen on the outside as well! Only recently have I started to realise this is because I didn't and don't have a dad, and how important a father's presence - emotional and psychological as well as physical! - is to a girl's development.. My therapist once said little girls should be able to 'parade' in front of their fathers' loving attention.. I never had that  |
My situation is a little different, but I am fatherless nonetheless.
I grew up with my 3 siblings, always feeling like the 'odd one out'. It didnt help that my mother is narcissistic and used me as a scapegoat. My sisters were always prettier, more talented and got the 'good genes'.
My father and I had a decent relationship.. but it was different than my sisters and brothers relationship with him. We got along like friends.
When i turned 18, i had a shocking message come through asking if I wanted to know the truth about my life. Of course I did, i found out i had a different father, he had left when I was around 2-3 years old. I had simply forgotten about him and started calling my step dad, dad.
I felt hurt, betrayed. I wanted to know why I wasn't good enough for him to stay in my life or important enough for him to keep in contact. I felt deeply wounded that my 'dad' and his whole side of the family weren't actually related to me at all.. and worst of all. Everybody knew and none of them told me.
On top of that, my mother was disgusted I was sad about it all. She said I had no right to be upset and should be grateful I had a father at all.
I suffer with deep insecurities and a need to please people. I have low self esteem and my 'man picker' is broken. I have yet to have a respectful meaningful relationship with a man and im 26 years old.
I realize now that I can never change the past, and that i have no control over other people and their actions. What they choose to do, is a reflection on THEM and not myself. I continue to work on living in the moment and gratitude. Not knowing my father doesn't bother me at all anymore. But I know finding out the way i did, left it's mark.